First Time Again

First Time Again

 -|-Esme-|-

I twisted the thin gold band around the third finger on my left hand. Carlisle had offered to buy me a bigger ring when we were married, one with lots of sparkly diamonds, but I declined. Charles had given me a gaudy, ostentatious ring and it’d been a stretch to call what we had a true marriage. I wanted something different with Carlisle, so I’d insisted that we keep it simple and pure. He’d simply nodded and later purchased a delicate gold band etched with a tiny leaf and vine pattern that most humans probably couldn’t see.

I’d guessed correctly that he did the etching himself. I fell in love with him all over again; something I happily seemed to do every day. He explained that the vine represented something that constantly grew and strengthened its hold on whatever it wanted to call home. That reminded me of the small cottage on the edge of my parents’ farm that had slowly been covered in ivy. I loved watching as more and more of the walls disappeared until it was almost completely wrapped in the hearty green foliage. I never told anyone, for fear of being called silly, but I always thought the cottage was stronger for having the ivy on it.

Carlisle meant that his love for me was like ivy, ever spreading and growing. I’d never told him about the cottage on the farm, he just knew me. I felt so light and happy that I might have floated away, had the wind blown just then.

But I’d begun to worry that maybe my ivy wasn’t as strong as his.

We’d been married almost two years; as a three year old vampire, I was beyond even blaming my troubles on my newborn phase. I worried I was simply mentally unfit to be the wife of, and loved by, someone as wonderful as Carlisle Cullen.

I knew that part of being a wife was pleasing a husband in the most intimate of ways. I knew that Carlisle would never hurt me as Charles had done so often. But I still couldn’t bring myself to accept him in that way. I wanted to, more than anything. I simply hadn’t been sure how.

I’d resolved to change that, though. And tonight was the night.

I had exactly twenty minutes before Carlisle returned from his shift at the hospital. I knelt on the floor and dug through the deliciously soft silks and laces that my lingerie chest contained.

Carlisle didn’t know it, but I’d ordered some things on my own from catalogs. Edward had picked up the packages when he was in town, always turning them over to me with a weary sigh that was always followed by the plea that I give him fair warning before I put my purchases to use.

With fair warning, he was spending the night in the forest.

After much indecision, I selected a silk, blush-colored gown that had been made in Paris. It was sleeveless with a scandalously deep v-neck and an empire waist that sent the heavenly fabric floating to the floor. Out of habit, shyness, and uncertainty, I added a matching, long-sleeved, lace dressing gown adorned lacy flower pattern. By the time I’d brushed my soft caramel-colored hair, piling it into a loose bun on top my head, I heard Carlisle come in downstairs.

-|-Carlisle-|-

“Esme?” I called out, surprised that neither she nor Edward were downstairs. “Where are you?”

“Upstairs,” she replied in a soft, nervous voice. “Would you come up here, please?”

Only half noticing a note on the mantel from Edward, telling me that he was hunting alone for the night, I followed my wife’s voice to the bedroom we shared. “Is everything alright?” I asked as I pushed the door open, stopping only when my breath caught in my throat.

The late afternoon sun was spilling in through the western window, making her porcelain skin sparkle in tandem with the soft sparkle of the pink silk that clung to every curve of her body.

“Everything’s fine,” she assured me nervously as she stood at the foot of the bed. “How was your day?”

In that moment, I couldn’t remember a thing about my day. Settling for mumbling incoherently, I took two steps toward her. “How was your day?” I parroted when I’d recovered the ability to speak.

“Fine,” she murmured, tugging the delicate lace more closely around her. She took a deep breath and seemed to summon something from deep inside herself.

Taking her own two steps forward, she held out her hand to me. “I’m sorry this has taken me so long, Carlisle,” she whispered seriously. Her nerves of a moment ago had been replaced with a reverence of sorts. “I’m ready now. I want … to be your wife, in every way possible.”

I put my hand in hers, feeling a spark as we touched. I stared down at our joined hands as it flowed through me.

“I felt that, too,” she whispered, closing her fingers around my hand. “It must be a sign that this is right.”

“Esme, you don’t need to be ready now,” I protested, worried that she was doing this for me. “I can wait. I will wait. Just say the word.”

She pulled me forward until the tips of my shoes were touching her bare toes. “I want this, Carlisle,” she told me with a firm tone in her hungry voice. “Now.”

-|-Esme-|-

I was, honestly, a little surprised by the tone of my own voice. It sounded almost like it did when I badly needed to hunt. I could feel a ball of tension building deep inside of me and it was making me hungry – for Carlisle.

Raising my hands to the buttons on his crisp white shirt, I saw that my fingers were trembling almost imperceptibly and I tried to still them. Sensing my frustration, Carlisle caught my hands in his and placed a chaste, fluttering kiss on each one before letting them go again.

My hands didn’t shake as I unfastened each button on his shirt, slipping it down from his shoulders and draping it over the back of the closest chair without ever taking my eyes off him. He wore no undershirt and I was left with little to do but trail my fingers over the muscled lines of his chest, learning every curve and bump that was forever frozen in perfection.

“You’ve seen me without a shirt before,” he pointed out, his hands fisted at his sides.

I shook my head and continued my exploration of his chest. “I have. But I’ve never touched you without a shirt before. It’s quite different, Carlisle.”

“Is it?” he said, sucking in a breath as I allowed my fingers to trace down and over his washboard stomach.

“Very much so,” I assured him, threading my fingers around the buckle on his belt, smiling to myself as I watched him jerk back, just a little, from my touch. “Be sure to tell me if I do something that you don’t want me to do. I want it to be right.”

He caught my hands and moved them from his belt. “I very much doubt that you could anything wrong, Esme,” he murmured huskily. But I don’t want this to be you giving to me, I want to give to you as well.”

Having said that, he tugged on the slender tie that kept the lace dressing gown tied just below my neck, opening it the rest of the way down. With incredible slowness and gentle attention to my body, he walked around me, sliding the lace free from my arms before draping it over his shirt on the chair.

Carlisle stopped behind me and pressed his mouth against my neck. “You are extraordinarily beautiful, Esme,” he hummed against me. “I don’t think you realize how beautiful you are.”

“No one’s ever told me that,” I murmured, unable to control the content sigh that escaped. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me closer against his bare chest.

“The world can be cruel, can’t it?” he mused, still speaking into my neck and sending quivers of electricity through my body. “No longer, though. I shall tell you every day how beautiful you are and how very much I love you.”

I chewed my bottom lip and turned around in his arms, gasping just once when I felt him brush against my hip. I recovered my composure quickly and looked into his tawny eyes. “I wouldn’t be opposed to that at all,” I admitted honestly.

-|-Carlisle-|-

Her admission made her bold enough to return the attention of her hands to my belt. She had it unbuckled in an instant, pulling it through the fabric loops with one fluid, snapping motion. More gently, she tossed it toward the chair where it joined the other bits of our clothing. When she unfastened the button on my pants, it was all I could to not pull both of us onto the bed and move things much faster than they should.

Instead, I moved my lips back to her neck, distracting her with a line of kisses across her collarbone. Her skin was as smooth as a river polished rock and the warmth of her body made me ache with desire for her. But I would do this properly; I would do right by her.

I continued paying intimate attention to the area of her chest bared by the v-neck. I moved up to her throat and she gripped my shoulders, throwing her head back. Caramel colored curls escaping from her bun, tickling my arm as I held her.

“Tell me if I do something you don’t like,” I murmured into her ear as my teeth found gentle purchase there. “Promise me that, Esme.”

She whimpered and used her shoulder to nudge me away from her ear, before baring her neck for me again. “I don’t like that you stopped kissing me,” she informed me bluntly. “Don’t stop. Please, Carlisle, don’t stop.”

I gave her exactly what she wanted, covering every available inch of her with the kisses she loved so much. Only when I’d completely run out of room did I take the initiative to change things. In an instant, I had her off her feet and cradled against my chest. “I won’t hurt you, Esme,” I promised when I saw the barest hint of fright in her butterscotch eyes. “Not now, not ever.”

Carrying her around the bed, I laid her gently in the center and moved closer to her. I returned to my task of learning every inch of her body with my lips.

She moaned softly and tried to roll into me, desperate for me to speed the pace of things.

As a compromise, I pulled the silky pink fabric up far enough that I could trace my fingers over her most delicate, sensitive areas while I focused my lips on hers.

Humming into my mouth, and allowing my tongue access to hers, she bumped against me, seeking more attention from my hand beneath her gown.

She so warm and so very soft beneath my fingertips, and the silk of her gown felt nearly as velvety on my arm. Oddly, I like it right where it was.

“Don’t you want me to take this off?” Esme asked, bucking against me as she spread her legs further, allowing me more access. “I will.”

I shook my head, keeping my hand beneath her gown and teasing her as I slid my pants off and kicked them to the floor. “I like the silk between us. Is that strange?” I asked, groaning as she bit my lip. “Is there a tie on the shoulders?”

Esme laughed softly and squirmed against me, thoroughly enjoying my teasing. “There are ties on both shoulders,” she said, reaching up and pulling the strings before pushing the fabric down so that her breasts were bared completely. “I like the silk between us, too.”

-|-Esme-|-

Carlisle was driving me mad with his teasing. The ache that had begun in my abdomen was forgotten and overpowered by the desperate throbbing where his fingers played.

I did like the feel of the silk against my stomach and hips but I wanted to feel him against me too. As if he’d read my mind, he slid away from my mouth and down lower on the bed. I could feel his hands running up my thighs and cupping my hips, but I didn’t know just what his intentions were until I felt his breath against the inside of my thighs. Even then, I didn’t understand, but I very much wanted him to continue.

I forgot my name when I felt his tongue replace his fingers in teasing me.

Waves of happiness rolled through me as my body reacted to his ministrations. I whimpered pleadingly as the ball of anticipation and desire grew and grew deep inside of me. I needed it released and I needed it desperately.

Carlisle gave it to me with a single flick of his tongue against my most sensitive of spots.

I arched upward as fluid flowed from me. I was only vaguely aware that I’d ruined the sheets, twisting them in my hands until I’d ripped them completely. I attempted to speak, but it wasn’t coherent at all. I’d never experienced anywhere such pure delight, and I very much liked it.

I was panting as Carlisle lowered me back onto the bed. “I love you,” I murmured, having found my human voice.

Above me once again, he smiled tenderly. “I love you too, Esme,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine once again.

He tasted different this time, and I knew it was because he tasted of me. The very thought sent shivers of pleasure through me that were intensified by a thousand when I felt him between my legs.

I blinked up at him, focusing intently on his ocher eyes. The last few minutes had been blissful and I wanted nothing to make the next ones any less than that.

“I won’t hurt you,” he promised again, watching me just as intently as he slowly pushed himself inside me.

He remained braced on his arms above me, not touching me until he was all the way inside. Only then did he lower himself so that he could support my back with his arms. Carlisle returned to covering me with gentle kisses, starting with my firm, ready breasts. He seemed to have a fascination with the spot he’d bitten to make me immortal and was busily attending to it when my body began to react to the part of him inside me.

It felt wonderful to be filled with him, but I knew instinctively that it would feel even more magnificent if he moved inside of me. Since he didn’t seem inclined to move, I moved around him.

I found my rhythm quickly and easily, rocking against his hips and biting my lip as each movement awoke a part of me that I hadn’t known existed. Soon enough, he picked up my rhythm and used his body to keep me still and let him do the work for us.

The knot of desire was back, clawing at me so fiercely that I was certain it would break me into pieces. I knew from Carlisle’s increased breathing that he was feeling the same thing. I didn’t want it to end, but I wanted to know what happened next in this strange, new world I was experiencing.

“I don’t want this to end,” Carlisle moaned against my neck, reading my mind once again.

We couldn’t have stopped or slowed it if we’d tried, or really wanted to try. Our basic instincts, our animal natures, took over as we moved toward the ultimate bond of mates and lovers.

I clawed at him, trembling and shaking as the end drew near. I brought my legs up and crossed them around his waist, ensuring that he could be no deeper inside of me. I couldn’t focus on a single thought, save for Carlisle himself, as he continued to move in me.

He buried his face in my neck and groaned. “Esme?”

“I love you, Carlisle,” I murmured back, only vaguely surprised that my voice shook with emotion and need.

It was all the permission either of us needed.

We found euphoric release together as I absorbed everything he had to give. Wave after wave of pure ecstasy rolled over me as I held on to him with everything I had.

It was truly an out of body experience and I don’t know how long it lasted. I only know that, when it ended, I was quite convinced my bones had turned to rubber. I didn’t move, I couldn’t, until Carlisle disentangled himself from me and ever so gently arranged us so we were on our sides, facing each other.

He looked sweetly satisfied and yet concerned at the same time, so I snuggled close to his chest, fixing the silky gown so that it covered me and was still softly between us. “I love you,” I said again, hoping to ease his worry. “I’ll never get tired of saying that.”

He smiled at that, and relaxed as he leaned in to kiss my lips again. “I’ll never tire of hearing it,” he vowed with a firm but soft reverence. “And I will say it back every time. I love you, Esme.”

-|-Carlisle-|-

After a few moments, Esme turned so that her back was to me. It took me a moment to realize that she was crying softly into her pillow. I reached out and gently touched her shoulder, sighing when she tensed. “Esme?” I murmured hesitantly. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

She rolled over quickly, tucking her hands underneath the pillow as she looked at me with mesmerizingly beautiful, butterscotch-colored eyes. “You can’t hurt me, Carlisle,” she reminded me. “It was one of the first things you taught me three years ago. You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“Of course not. But that isn’t what I meant, Esme.” I touched my thumb to her cheek, as if I could wipe away the tear that would never fall there. “You’re crying. I want to know if you’re crying because of something I did.”

Esme shifted nervously, twitching one hand from under the pillow to pull the sheet further up around her shoulders and smiled shyly when I helped tuck it carefully around her. “I was just … surprised. I didn’t know … that it … that sex … that making love … yes, that making love could be like that. So gentle and … enchanting.” She dropped her eyes from mine and laughed softly. “That’s probably a silly word to use, but I can’t think of any other.”

I moved my hand and nudged her chin back so I could see her eyes again. “It isn’t silly, Esme. It’s perfect. I’ve been enchanted by you since the day I set your broken leg, though never more so than I am now.” I smiled as she scooted closer to me, sighing happily when I put my arm around her. “Your tears then, they’re good tears?”

“Yes, they’re good tears,” she admitted before looking at me with traces of worry etched in her eyes. “You aren’t ever going to change, are you? You aren’t going become rough and demanding, are you?”

Though it broke my heart that my wife had to worry about my continued devotion to her, that her past experiences would return and repeat, I knew simple words formed into vague promises and vows wouldn’t give her the peace of mind she so badly deserved and needed. So I used words to make a firm promise that it would take years to prove true.

“Esme Anne Cullen, I love you. I love you more than you’ll probably ever know. I could never hurt someone I love. You deserve to be cherished, honored, and loved. I will do that for the rest of eternity. You don’t have to take my word for it now. Let me show you every day of our life together how much you mean to me.

“You need never fear that I might hurt you or stop loving you. I won’t. I couldn’t if I tried. All I ask is that you let me love you.”

In answer, she reached up and cupped her hands around my face, pulling me down until her lips were pressed gently but passionately against mine.

The End

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